I got your number today, actually several numbers. I don't know how I feel about calling you or if I'll even follow through with it. I really don't want to hear your voice and get sucked back in again. Or to have you come up with some excuse as to why you did what you did. I refuse to let myself be hurt that way again. What you did and are still doing is completely unacceptable. I'm drafting up what what I might say to you if I do call, which is proving harder than I had originally thought. I thought that it would be easy to think of things to say to you since I usually have something to day.. I'm scared I'll just burst into tears and I won't have the guts to carry through. We'll see...

Just not sure

I had a dream about you last night. I can't quite remember what it was about, but I know that you were there. I usually wake up pissed that I had dreamed about you because it hurts so much. Today I didn't. I wasn't filled with anger or sadness, but a sense of peace almost.

I did talk to Barbara about you finally. I cried, which I hate doing. But I felt better afterwards. Cleansed almost. She asked me how I wanted to leave things if you died tomorrow. When she asked I really wasn't sure. I mean I would love to have you back in my life, but I don't want to open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt again. Months ago I thought I had closed the chapter of us. I had stopped emailing you feeling like you never even read them. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do, but I'm entertaining writing you again to see if you will respond. Again I'm worried of being vulnerable and being let down. We shall see... I guess..

Dance

When I found you I was scared at first. I had no idea what to do with you and I was behind everyone else. You later became the love of my life. The greatest escape. Things at home were not good and that once-a-week lesson allowed me to focus on myself. That once-a-week turned into two, which eventually turned into 6 days a week. I've recently rediscovered you and I realize how much I've missed you being in my life. Sometimes I feel like you literally saved my life, I don't know where I would be without you.

New things

I'm trying this new thing where I share what I'm truly thinking. So far it's gone well. I had an honest conversation with my husband and it felt really good. Scary at first, but the honesty took over the fear. I felt cleansed, I felt better. I don't feel completely okay about the situation, but I feel like we're on the same page for sure right now. I also feel more calm, not as worried about the what ifs because we talked about them. I didn't let them sit inside of me and rot and fester and become something even nastier than it orginally was. Feeling good so far, just hope I can keep it up.

Dear You, From Me

I really need to stop hunting for you like some kind of elusive prey. I've nearly completely let go of you, but I'm not there just yet. I keep hoping I'll see a somewhat recent picture of you just to know that you're alive and you are still a complete jerk for doing what you did. I know your hair has probably greyed and you have more wrinkles, but I guess a part of me still wants to know for sure what that face looks like, if I'll even recognize you.

I can feel the part of me that is still hanging on getting smaller and smaller, though it hasn't disappeared just yet. I can't wait for that day. The day I am finally rid of you.

10 Years

This post is coming a couple of weeks too late, but there's no time like the present.


10 years ago a hole ripped through me. My heart sank, my jaw dropped. Time stood still, food was tasteless, and colors grayed. My world, as I knew it, would not be the same.

10 years ago your soul left the Earth, and piece of me left too. I was forever changed.

---

10 years later here I am, still missing you. Hoping you'll visit me in my dreams. 10 years later I am still happy that my first tattoo is in memory of you, so I can carry you with me wherever I go. 10 years later my heart still aches, but I know you are where you have always wanted to be: with Grandpa John, Bubba and Cricket, and Grandma Ora.

Love you Grandma, always will.

I feel like things are better now. I feel like I got some closure with the wedding. I think you not being there allowed me to be able to let go, and having all of my loved ones (that love me back) there definitely helped. I'm pretty sure I think about you less, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten about you or that a teensy mircoscopic piece of me doesn't still care. Because I do, I am human afterall. I'll never fully "un-love" you. Just know that you suck as a person.