10 Years

This post is coming a couple of weeks too late, but there's no time like the present.


10 years ago a hole ripped through me. My heart sank, my jaw dropped. Time stood still, food was tasteless, and colors grayed. My world, as I knew it, would not be the same.

10 years ago your soul left the Earth, and piece of me left too. I was forever changed.

---

10 years later here I am, still missing you. Hoping you'll visit me in my dreams. 10 years later I am still happy that my first tattoo is in memory of you, so I can carry you with me wherever I go. 10 years later my heart still aches, but I know you are where you have always wanted to be: with Grandpa John, Bubba and Cricket, and Grandma Ora.

Love you Grandma, always will.

I feel like things are better now. I feel like I got some closure with the wedding. I think you not being there allowed me to be able to let go, and having all of my loved ones (that love me back) there definitely helped. I'm pretty sure I think about you less, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten about you or that a teensy mircoscopic piece of me doesn't still care. Because I do, I am human afterall. I'll never fully "un-love" you. Just know that you suck as a person.

The wedding is a little over a week away, and I'm dreadfully excited. I'm dreading that you'll show up and that you won't show up. I'm excited that you aren't coming but also crushed. I've always felt like I had a dual personality, but even more so lately. You can't replace the real thing no matter how hard you try, which sucks because I really want to. I really need to decide and commit to you not ruining my day no matter what happens. There are so many other people in this world willing to be by my side. Guess you aren't one of them.

Dear You,

I keep envisioning you showing up at my wedding this June. Walking in with your evil wife. Acting like nothing happened, but I suppose to you nothing has. You just floated away from us with no consequences for your actions. I almost want you to show up so I can hurt you like you hurt me, but again, you're not worth my time or energy.

I am lucky enough to be getting my dream wedding (well, the location at least). The Joslyn, religion-neutral yet exquisitely beautiful. I can't tell you how many times I've daydreamed about the parents' dance at my wedding. We'd dance to Tiny Dancer by Elton John, because for so long I was your tiny dancer.. in your hands.

I hope that someday you realize what you're missing out on. I'm not missing out on anything, I'm still living my life. Go ahead. Try to fill the void with your "steps." It will never come close to the real thing. Unless you have a shitty dad.

-Me

I'm seriously contemplating calling off this damn wedding. One thing after anothing is going wrong. First, the bridesmaid dresses. Then my bridesmaid drops out, then six guests. Now I had to tell my Matron of Honor that her kids can't come, even though I told her they already could. So things are going just freaking great! None of this stress seems worth it. I am beginning to shut down again....

Dear ____,

Dear You,

It seems as though my love for you has waned dramatically. A teensy particle of me still misses you, but I've realized (and started to accept) it's your loss buddy. I have been wasting my time fawning over you, and it's taken me a long time to come to that realization. I used to brag to my friends who had crappy dads that you would "take them in" and you were "the best." Letting go of that idea was so very difficult. Sometimes I wish I could find you to scream at you. I could spend all day writing nasty hurtful words that I feel you deserve, yet will never be heard. The anger is useless. It's like throwing a sack of sugar against a wall and expecting it to bounce back. I get nothing out of being angry, but I am getting something out of acceptance. I'm starting to accept that you're the defective one, not me; that I am worthy of being loved; that I can do this (thing called life) without you. We don't deserve each other.

Sincerely, Me

Phenomenal cosmic power, itty bitty living space

Today I was empowered. I can do this. I can assert myself. I will ask for what I need and what I want. I am going to require things, not ask politely for them. This is not going to be pretty, but it needs to be done. Take a deep breath. The world will not end. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It will be worth it. I'm scared, but that's no excuse. I can do this. I will not continue plugging along. I am voting for the path of change. I will be assertive.

Hmm..

I'm feeling better today. Lately my dreams have been dictating my moods. My dreams have been about situations I've had to deal with in my past. For most of the day I fall back into the emotion that I had to deal with during the situation, which makes for an excrutiating day. Once 3:30 or so hits, the feelings melt away. It's like there's a switch in my head that turns on (or maybe off?) and I feel fine. I feel like myself again. It makes me wonder if it's all in my head, or if I have some kind of chemical imbalance. I've been told I come from a long line of "worry warts," but I feel like that's an excuse for something that's hereditary.

I-I-I want to fly away..

Cake has a new album out. I definitely identify with the song Sick of You. Go read the lyrics.

I've realized lately that I can tie just about all of my "off moods" back to you. It always leads back to me feeling like I'm not good enough, which goes back to the reason I feel like you left. I've been told, my myself and others, that it's nothing I did. So then I'm fine for a while. I feel strong. I feel like I'm starting to let go of you, and then something snaps me back to the beginning. All progress is lost.

I had a dream about you last night. We were at Grandma's house having Christmas. I was sitting on her couch with you, Deb, Ted, and Mary. Brandon and Josh were there too. You gave me a Donald Duck Christmas ornament and I was happy and disgusted at the same time. I woke up feeling like crap. There is still a part of me hanging onto the fact that you might come back. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let that go. A part of me is always going to be hopeful, but it hurts so badly. I wish you were never my father so I didn't have to feel this pain. I realize that neither you or Mom were ready to be parents, but at least she stepped up. She gave it her all.

I want to let you go, but I guess not entirely. I'm insanely jealous that Brandon gets to have a father, and mine was ripped away. Stand up for yourself, man. You never will though. Even if you wanted to your bitch of a wife would squash you under her thumb again.