New things

I'm trying this new thing where I share what I'm truly thinking. So far it's gone well. I had an honest conversation with my husband and it felt really good. Scary at first, but the honesty took over the fear. I felt cleansed, I felt better. I don't feel completely okay about the situation, but I feel like we're on the same page for sure right now. I also feel more calm, not as worried about the what ifs because we talked about them. I didn't let them sit inside of me and rot and fester and become something even nastier than it orginally was. Feeling good so far, just hope I can keep it up.

Dear You, From Me

I really need to stop hunting for you like some kind of elusive prey. I've nearly completely let go of you, but I'm not there just yet. I keep hoping I'll see a somewhat recent picture of you just to know that you're alive and you are still a complete jerk for doing what you did. I know your hair has probably greyed and you have more wrinkles, but I guess a part of me still wants to know for sure what that face looks like, if I'll even recognize you.

I can feel the part of me that is still hanging on getting smaller and smaller, though it hasn't disappeared just yet. I can't wait for that day. The day I am finally rid of you.

10 Years

This post is coming a couple of weeks too late, but there's no time like the present.


10 years ago a hole ripped through me. My heart sank, my jaw dropped. Time stood still, food was tasteless, and colors grayed. My world, as I knew it, would not be the same.

10 years ago your soul left the Earth, and piece of me left too. I was forever changed.

---

10 years later here I am, still missing you. Hoping you'll visit me in my dreams. 10 years later I am still happy that my first tattoo is in memory of you, so I can carry you with me wherever I go. 10 years later my heart still aches, but I know you are where you have always wanted to be: with Grandpa John, Bubba and Cricket, and Grandma Ora.

Love you Grandma, always will.

I feel like things are better now. I feel like I got some closure with the wedding. I think you not being there allowed me to be able to let go, and having all of my loved ones (that love me back) there definitely helped. I'm pretty sure I think about you less, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten about you or that a teensy mircoscopic piece of me doesn't still care. Because I do, I am human afterall. I'll never fully "un-love" you. Just know that you suck as a person.

The wedding is a little over a week away, and I'm dreadfully excited. I'm dreading that you'll show up and that you won't show up. I'm excited that you aren't coming but also crushed. I've always felt like I had a dual personality, but even more so lately. You can't replace the real thing no matter how hard you try, which sucks because I really want to. I really need to decide and commit to you not ruining my day no matter what happens. There are so many other people in this world willing to be by my side. Guess you aren't one of them.

Dear You,

I keep envisioning you showing up at my wedding this June. Walking in with your evil wife. Acting like nothing happened, but I suppose to you nothing has. You just floated away from us with no consequences for your actions. I almost want you to show up so I can hurt you like you hurt me, but again, you're not worth my time or energy.

I am lucky enough to be getting my dream wedding (well, the location at least). The Joslyn, religion-neutral yet exquisitely beautiful. I can't tell you how many times I've daydreamed about the parents' dance at my wedding. We'd dance to Tiny Dancer by Elton John, because for so long I was your tiny dancer.. in your hands.

I hope that someday you realize what you're missing out on. I'm not missing out on anything, I'm still living my life. Go ahead. Try to fill the void with your "steps." It will never come close to the real thing. Unless you have a shitty dad.

-Me

I'm seriously contemplating calling off this damn wedding. One thing after anothing is going wrong. First, the bridesmaid dresses. Then my bridesmaid drops out, then six guests. Now I had to tell my Matron of Honor that her kids can't come, even though I told her they already could. So things are going just freaking great! None of this stress seems worth it. I am beginning to shut down again....