Phenomenal cosmic power, itty bitty living space

Today I was empowered. I can do this. I can assert myself. I will ask for what I need and what I want. I am going to require things, not ask politely for them. This is not going to be pretty, but it needs to be done. Take a deep breath. The world will not end. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It will be worth it. I'm scared, but that's no excuse. I can do this. I will not continue plugging along. I am voting for the path of change. I will be assertive.

Hmm..

I'm feeling better today. Lately my dreams have been dictating my moods. My dreams have been about situations I've had to deal with in my past. For most of the day I fall back into the emotion that I had to deal with during the situation, which makes for an excrutiating day. Once 3:30 or so hits, the feelings melt away. It's like there's a switch in my head that turns on (or maybe off?) and I feel fine. I feel like myself again. It makes me wonder if it's all in my head, or if I have some kind of chemical imbalance. I've been told I come from a long line of "worry warts," but I feel like that's an excuse for something that's hereditary.

I-I-I want to fly away..

Cake has a new album out. I definitely identify with the song Sick of You. Go read the lyrics.

I've realized lately that I can tie just about all of my "off moods" back to you. It always leads back to me feeling like I'm not good enough, which goes back to the reason I feel like you left. I've been told, my myself and others, that it's nothing I did. So then I'm fine for a while. I feel strong. I feel like I'm starting to let go of you, and then something snaps me back to the beginning. All progress is lost.

I had a dream about you last night. We were at Grandma's house having Christmas. I was sitting on her couch with you, Deb, Ted, and Mary. Brandon and Josh were there too. You gave me a Donald Duck Christmas ornament and I was happy and disgusted at the same time. I woke up feeling like crap. There is still a part of me hanging onto the fact that you might come back. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let that go. A part of me is always going to be hopeful, but it hurts so badly. I wish you were never my father so I didn't have to feel this pain. I realize that neither you or Mom were ready to be parents, but at least she stepped up. She gave it her all.

I want to let you go, but I guess not entirely. I'm insanely jealous that Brandon gets to have a father, and mine was ripped away. Stand up for yourself, man. You never will though. Even if you wanted to your bitch of a wife would squash you under her thumb again.

Hard Shell Taco, Cinnamon Twists!

Sometimes we forget what we're all about. We fall in love, we get a new hobby, we change jobs, we move. And sometimes we're just preoccupied. Recently I've been looking for happiness in all the wrong places. In a bigger apartment, another car, more money. But thinking about those things don't bring me joy or happiness. When I daydream about what I would make my family for dinner or what Christmas would be like for my children, that brings me joy.

I've been questioning myself to find that bliss. What are you planning to do with the rest of your life career-wise? What makes you happiest in that sense? Will you make enough money to have all the "things" you want? Trying to answer these questions is not only exhausting, but damn near impossible. I can't spend my days trying to disect myself and figure out the future. A very wise woman once said, "You can't enjoy the present if you're living in the future." Or the past for that matter.

Something today made me realize that I forgot that it's the simple things, the little things that bring me the most joy. Today my fiance brought me Taco Bell for lunch. Which really doesn't sound like much, but the lunch I brought was already moldy (joy!) and that instantly put me in a cranktastic mood. So I was very appreciative of him bringing me some munchables. And you know what? It brightened my whole day! Just being able to sit down and enjoy an impromptu lunch with him was amazing. I felt closer to him. I felt like we had been renewed in a way. And I realized that all my life I have always LOVED the little things. Like driving with the windows down on a sunny day or holding my best friend's smiling 8-month-old daughter. If you don't appreciate the little things, life is seriously going to suck for you, man. You aren't always going to have those "big ticket days." Like getting a promotion or being approved for a loan. Go outside. Breathe in the air and take it all in. The world is full of things to appreciate.

Yesterday

Whew! Kinda went off yesterday. I think we all need to release whatever may be inside of us. Eating us up. Wearing us out. If we don't, it explodes out at a time when it shouldn't on someone that doesn't deserve it. I realized that keeping those feelings inside to stew, marinate, and fester makes it sooooo much worse than just letting it out. Kinda like a fart. The longer you keep it in the more it hurts. Wow, Cass. You just used a fart similie, I can hear my brother saying.

Now I'm not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. In fact, vulnerability is something I try to avoid at all costs. Doing this, however, has worked against me. I guess I oppress myself and I don't let me feel my own emotions to the fullest extent. It's hard to go through all those emotions, but it feels like a kajillion pounds have been lifted off me. I feel freer. I feel like I can function, which is huge for me. It's easy to cripple myself with thoughts of not feeling good enough, of not being enough. But I deserve love and compassion. And so do you.

I Love Facebook

Asshole. Asshole! Asshole! Asshole! That's the only word coming to mind after seeing that photo. You went to Brandon's wedding. Of course you did. Wouldn't have missed that for the world, eh? You bastard. I take that back, you spineless, apathetic, pathetic man. You can't even answer one of my stinkin' emails or call me on my birthday. Oh wait, you don't even know that I live a thousand miles away! You have made zero effort, zero, to find me or contact me. I've found you. I've even tried looking you up anywhere I can hoping that I can find a current, or at least somewhat current, picture of you. Or find out something.

Like I've said before it's like you've died. Like you no longer exist. I wonder if that's how you feel about me. Like Josh and Cass were just beamed off the face of the Earth never to be seen again. Now we're on some planet for kids whose fathers can't freaking stand up for themselves. It's a damn lonely planet, Dad. Damn lonely. You don't even deserve to be called Dad. Chris. Christopher. Dammit I wanted to name my son after you! Can't do that now. I couldn't answer his question of, "where did my name come from?" Because then I would have to dive into the deep pit of blackness that once was my love for you. What was a field full of beautiful flowers, music, artistic conversations, recipe exchanges, and admiration is now an dark, bottomless pit of hurt, resentment, tears, and longing. You, sir, are a fuck. A complete and utter fuck.

In my last letter to you I said that despite the fact you've written me off as a daughter I would still take you back. Now I'm not so sure I would. I think I'm starting to accept the fact that you aren't "going out for a pack of smokes." You don't deserve to share in my happiness. I can't believe you're a father.. my father. We used to have such good times. Reading us Dave Barry. Learning your "cheese folding formula" so we could "use the least amount of cheese, but still getting the coverage you need on that burger." Standing with you at the grill, asking questions about what this was and why you have a bucket of soaked wood. Going to Grandma's, you sitting in her chair. Watching Baby Animals for the umpteenth time or the first level of Mario Bros.. No more of that now. No more birthday cards. ("Welcome to the double digits." 10th birthday) No more new restaurants to try. No more you. No more father. No more. You will never know this, but when you left a piece of me did too.

My Favorite Christi(mas) Carol

I remember asking every year, "Mom, when can we put the Christmas tree up? All my friends at school put theirs up the day after Thanksgiving. Something is clearly wrong with them." After a bit of laughter and a nod in agreement she answers, "Well that's how we've done it since I was little. Your Aunt Christi was born on the seventh of December and we never wanted to overshadow her birthday. Thus, we never put up our tree any earlier than the eighth."

I remember the Christmas when I was given my first knitting... equipment? I sat on great-grandma's blue and green swirled couch attemping to make a pot holder. I kept saying, "Look! I made pants!" And would make the knitting needles dance with the "pants" inbetween. I also remember having great visions of making afghans, sweaters, socks and the like only to follow in my mother's footsteps and realize that I would leave the knitting/crocheting to "the experts."

My fondest memory was on our way to Michigan for Andrea's wedding. I remember sitting next to you, feeling so special because I didn't have to sit next to my mother. I was now a big girl. You reached into your carry-on and pulled out, to my surprise, a jewelry box. I remember the outside was ivory-colored with gold scrolling on the lid, the red velvet interior had a small, diamond shaped mirror. Inside was a silver locket. My stomach started to fill with butterflies as you carefully lifted it out of the box and placed it in your hand. "This, your grandparents gave me when I was a girl." My eyes darted over the delicate floral detail. Wow, I thought to myself. "Since I'm not able to have anymore children, I thought you should have this." My eyes grew wide. Really, for me? Our relationship was never the same after that. I felt like a little less like a niece and a little more like a daughter. I don't think I took that necklace off all weekend.

I will never forget that infamous Thursday morning. I kept that locket in my pocket all day. Rubbing it between my fingers, remembering the day you placed it in my hands. Then you ascended into the heavens. I looked skyward, tears streaming down my cheek, yelling, "You can't take her away! She's not ready yet!" But in truth, I was wasn't ready. Through the tears and shouts, I remembered something my mother had told me. I kept having these dreams about my Grandma visiting me after she had passed away. "She visits you in your dreams now. That's where she knows she can find you." Realizing that, I know that any time I miss you or need to see you, I can close my eyes and you'll appear. Always smiling, always laughing, always loving. I will always have those wonderful memories that I can visit any time I want. Any time I want.