Out of Tilt

When I'm having a day where nothing seems to go right, I blame science. Darn you Beekman's World and Bill Nye! The world seems to fall out of tilt, and the past week proves that theory. I had some family come into town from Hawaii. Now I've met both of these people before, but I haven't really gotten to know them. Little did I know I was about to board Frog and Toad's Wild Ride.

So here's what I've learned:

You can't just pop into your kids' lives whenever you feel like it. More than likely you're going to disrupt the delicate balance of school, family, extra curriculars, church, etc. with your non-scheduling, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants ways. You're going to cause more chaos than calm. And if Momma Bear has anything to say about it, run.

You must have a plan of action before coming to the mainland to visit said kids. Believe it or not your older children are developing their lives which, day-to-day, doesn't usually involve you. They can do their life without you being there, and, if you ask me, are doing a fine job. Be more understanding if they have prior commitments, even if it's girls' night out at the bar.

Just got married? Congrats. But that doesn't mean planning a very long, tedious roadtrip a sneeze away from the Canadian border is the best bonding activity to get to know the new step-parent. Going through a parents' divorce is crappy at best, painful at it's worst. Add into that a complete stranger you're supposed to love and trust right off the bat. That just spells disaster. Don't do a roadtrip.

You say your kids are acting up? You say your 20-year-old wants to sleep out on the deck because you only rented two rooms for seven people? Let her, okay. Yeah she'll probably get cold or bitten by bugs and possibly end up inside anyway, but she probably won't get eaten by bears or a moose. So don't a) try to carry her into into the house or b) spank her. Yes you read that correctly.

Everyone is ready to be home on the drive back from any trip. So why not jump on the Crazy Train and tell your four children they can't play the license plate game, slug-bug, or jell-o. They can't play their gameboy or DS or whatever the frick those things are called. They can't write in their journal (*cough*bullshit*cough*) or... wait for it... wait for it.... they can't speak. (*cough*doublebullshit*cough*) So don't be surprised if you have to pull over because someone just had to rip a journal (literally) out of someone else's hands and they're threatening to walk home because they were just expressing their feelings about that same someone and you have to coax them back into the car. You're an idiot.

The last thing I've learned? Once you're part of the family, people start to feel more comfortable around you and everyone lets it all hang out. I mean alllllll of it. All the dangly, dark, nasty, hairy bits. All the crap in the past, all the straight-jacket craziness. It's there. Full force. In yo face! But I guess that means they... love you?

Thankfully the ride has ended, and the tickets have expired. Strangely enough, the world seems right again and will continue to spin until the next episode. Stay tuned.