Jean

11 years ago today I received a phone call that would change my life and my family's life forever. It seems like it was just yesterday. The world froze for a minute an eternity. I just sat there, stewing in those words, "Grandma passed away this morning." I could not believe what I was hearing, nor did I want to.

I don't think it will ever matter how much time passes, I still have to hold back tears and swallow that lump in my throat. She was the glue that held us together. She was the one that made me believe in the Christmas spirit. She was the one who would leave us each half a banana for breakfast if she had to go into work when we stayed over. She meant the world to us. Grandma, you are always in my heart and on my mind. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss and love you.

Monte

When I was back home in Nebraska visiting family and such I realized something. Through all the father figures that have been through my life and the drama that follows one man has been constant, my mother's father. He's a man of few words. Believe me, you want to be sitting next to him any chance you get just so you can hear his quiet but hilarious comments about whatever conversation is taking place.

Thank you for always being there, Grandpa. Even though sometimes you're far away, I still carry you in my heart.

This is it

You are not worth my time or my tears. You are not worth thinking about. I have a father who raised me right and taught me how to be an adult. That person is not you. You had your chance to step up and be a father and you didn't take it. Your loss, not mine. I won't spend my nights wishing you were here because you don't deserve it. You don't deserve either of us.

Hey, I say it should be May

I am beyond excited to go back home in May. All I can think about are these three little angels that I have been blessed enough to know and be a part of their lives. I can't wait to meet my new Godson and see how much my niece and nephew have grown the past year. I can't wait to see my best friend and be up to our old tricks for a weekend. I can't wait to see my mom, dad and brothers. My mom is my (other) best friend, my sister and a part of me that I have trouble explaining because she's just that close to me. May... you can't come soon enough!

I got your number today, actually several numbers. I don't know how I feel about calling you or if I'll even follow through with it. I really don't want to hear your voice and get sucked back in again. Or to have you come up with some excuse as to why you did what you did. I refuse to let myself be hurt that way again. What you did and are still doing is completely unacceptable. I'm drafting up what what I might say to you if I do call, which is proving harder than I had originally thought. I thought that it would be easy to think of things to say to you since I usually have something to day.. I'm scared I'll just burst into tears and I won't have the guts to carry through. We'll see...

Just not sure

I had a dream about you last night. I can't quite remember what it was about, but I know that you were there. I usually wake up pissed that I had dreamed about you because it hurts so much. Today I didn't. I wasn't filled with anger or sadness, but a sense of peace almost.

I did talk to Barbara about you finally. I cried, which I hate doing. But I felt better afterwards. Cleansed almost. She asked me how I wanted to leave things if you died tomorrow. When she asked I really wasn't sure. I mean I would love to have you back in my life, but I don't want to open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt again. Months ago I thought I had closed the chapter of us. I had stopped emailing you feeling like you never even read them. I'm still not 100% sure what I want to do, but I'm entertaining writing you again to see if you will respond. Again I'm worried of being vulnerable and being let down. We shall see... I guess..

Dance

When I found you I was scared at first. I had no idea what to do with you and I was behind everyone else. You later became the love of my life. The greatest escape. Things at home were not good and that once-a-week lesson allowed me to focus on myself. That once-a-week turned into two, which eventually turned into 6 days a week. I've recently rediscovered you and I realize how much I've missed you being in my life. Sometimes I feel like you literally saved my life, I don't know where I would be without you.