Hmm..

I'm feeling better today. Lately my dreams have been dictating my moods. My dreams have been about situations I've had to deal with in my past. For most of the day I fall back into the emotion that I had to deal with during the situation, which makes for an excrutiating day. Once 3:30 or so hits, the feelings melt away. It's like there's a switch in my head that turns on (or maybe off?) and I feel fine. I feel like myself again. It makes me wonder if it's all in my head, or if I have some kind of chemical imbalance. I've been told I come from a long line of "worry warts," but I feel like that's an excuse for something that's hereditary.

I-I-I want to fly away..

Cake has a new album out. I definitely identify with the song Sick of You. Go read the lyrics.

I've realized lately that I can tie just about all of my "off moods" back to you. It always leads back to me feeling like I'm not good enough, which goes back to the reason I feel like you left. I've been told, my myself and others, that it's nothing I did. So then I'm fine for a while. I feel strong. I feel like I'm starting to let go of you, and then something snaps me back to the beginning. All progress is lost.

I had a dream about you last night. We were at Grandma's house having Christmas. I was sitting on her couch with you, Deb, Ted, and Mary. Brandon and Josh were there too. You gave me a Donald Duck Christmas ornament and I was happy and disgusted at the same time. I woke up feeling like crap. There is still a part of me hanging onto the fact that you might come back. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let that go. A part of me is always going to be hopeful, but it hurts so badly. I wish you were never my father so I didn't have to feel this pain. I realize that neither you or Mom were ready to be parents, but at least she stepped up. She gave it her all.

I want to let you go, but I guess not entirely. I'm insanely jealous that Brandon gets to have a father, and mine was ripped away. Stand up for yourself, man. You never will though. Even if you wanted to your bitch of a wife would squash you under her thumb again.